May 30, 2011: The Beginning of The End

Tomorrow is the big day; actually, tomorrow just might be one of the biggest and most monumental days of my not-all-that-big-or-all-that-monumental life thus far. I've spent the past week researching high protein, low carb liquid diet plans and have settled enough on one to begin it tomorrow. Exciting, right? Well, here's the deal. My weight is at an all-time high. I'm starting to notice little, itty bitty physical problems that probably have something to do with all that weight. Obviously - wait for it - I need to lose weight. So I decided to use my mad genius skills to concoct a weight loss formula that will fit my lifestyle. Much math was involved as was much reseach. (P) High protein + (C) low carbs - (S) sugar = success. Carry the one, and what you end up with is one smaller Kristen with a remainder of sex appeal and an affinity for particularly nerdy math jokes.

Here's the other thing: I don't like to prepare food. I like things that are simple, strict, and completely non-fussy, especially if I don't have to cook or season or mess around with them. For that reason, I decided to purchase a plan that includes four meal replacement shakes/smoothies per day. On top of that, I will eat one "lean and green" dinner comprised mainly of 3 or 4 ounces of lean meat and non-starchy vegetables totalling roughly 350 calories and one daily low carb snack. My total daily caloric intake will be between 850 and 1000 calories; protein will be somewhere between 75 and 115 grams; carbohydrates will be fewer than 30 grams; and I will have gotten all of my major vitamins and nutrients, 'cause I'm a badass like that.

What prompted all of this? Well, I went to the most magical place on all the earth - the beach - and spent the entire trip being self-conscious and generally just feeling like (pardon the colloquialism) a big, giant, ugly turd. As I sat in the 90 degree heat in jeans and a cardigan, I vowed to never feel that way again. I'm returning to the same beach in September, but this time, Dr. Boyfriend will be in tow, so the pressure's really on to pare down the poundage. I'm a normal girl with normal wishes, right? Here it is, plain and simple, down and dirty:

• I don't want to go through that vacation - and my entire life - in long sleeve shirts. I want to wear tank tops and not feel like people are staring at the two giant sausages on either side of my torso. I'm not looking for muscle necessarily, but just having less arm would make me way more comfortable.
• I don't want to have to resort to wearing a Burkini or full-body coverup. I want to be able to wear a modest one piece without running for a beach towel.
• I'm a picture person and as much as I love being behind the camera, I'd like to find myself in front of it a little bit more. I don't want to cringe at my rolls, chins, or lumps in every single picture. I don't want to feel as though I have to do a tight cropping to post it online.
• I want to lie in a hammock or sit in a beach chair without holding my breath and worrying that I'm going to end up with an ass full of sand.
• I want to go parasailing or ziplining or hold a baby tiger or something. Something!

So there you have it. Tomorrow is day one: the beginning of the end of my fatness. It's totally going to work too, as I am being a preemptive ninja by not even allowing myself the opportunity to fail. I've got workout dates lined up and workout buddies on call and at the ready. I've got my inspirational playlist made. I've got new-age, ocean sounding sublimial messages downloaded to play on my way to work. I bought a super cute Oster MyBlend personal blender so I can make my shakes before dashing off to work in the morning. I got resistance bands to exercise with in my downtime at work (doors closed, of course - people there think I'm weird enough). I've got pictures of my fat ass plastered everywhere in an attempt to thwart the desire to cheat. I may not be perfect and I might lapse, but I will be right back on the wagon the next meal.

I'm not looking to lose a holy ton of weight. I just want to be more comfortable in my skin and be healthier in general. I want to have fun in September. I'll still worry about things like my stretch marks and my flabby arms, but I hope to not worry as much.

I feel as though I'm on the cusp of something really big here. I'd ask for wishes of luck, but I have the feeling I won't need it. Wish me success!